Life is demanding, emotionally draining and completely worth it! My day is filled with so much joy. There are little scrapes here and there, but overall very fulfilling and satisfying. Not to say I don’t strive for more then what I have, or am doing right now, but I’m just enjoying my moments and trying not to take anything for granted, not always thinking about the future or the past can be a very good thing! It gives me the opportunity to just be happy about right now.

I cried today, sitting in the bathroom stall all by myself, it was sad! Then I cleaned myself up, grabbed a Kleenex and headed by to my desk to help someone new at work. A quick moment of solace and grief, and my feelings today surprise even me.

I have these wonderful members at work that I always help and they always ask for me. They called me a part of their family and always tell me jokes and we just sit and chat whenever they come in. They are an older couple, and the husband (I cant use any names for privacy reasons) recently had a stroke, but recovered well and he even came in the day he was released from the hospital. I haven't seen them for about a month and a half.

Well today the wife came in, telling me she had bad news, I thought maybe her account went negative or something. I wasn't ready for the news, her husband died and realizing the last time I saw him, he seemed so healthy, such a jokester, gosh, never knowing I wouldn’t see his smile light up a room again. It’s all so sad, I’ve only known these people for like nine months and it took everything in my body not to start crying right there at my desk. I held it together for her sake, she seemed so ok, maybe she knew it was coming? Here she is perfectly calm, married to him for 51 years and here's me, known them for nine months trying not to break down at my desk. It was all I could do, just to rush her and let her know what needed to be done on the accounts to have his name removed.

As soon as she left I had to swiftly walk to the bathroom and give myself a moment. I'm not surprised he passed away, I’m not surprised she came in to tell me, however I am shocked at how upset I am. I know they are wonderful people who are very kind, but I only see them once every month or so, how can I feel so strongly about people I just met? This scares me so much, if I’m this affected by nice people who I’ve known less then a year, what'll happen to me when one of my family members, or a friend passes away? I might literally die of a broken heart.

Are we all just a bunch of cowards living our life at half of our potential, have we become comfortable with the life just barely reaching for the top? Do we only question our self when we see someone else succeed and wonder why we are not there ourselves? Are dreams and goals a thing of the past, to be thought of with a smile and a damning dose of reality, to only reappear once again at a time of deep thought or cathartic breakdown?

I don’t want that to be me, I don’t want it to be anyone; I don’t want to be scared of success. I want to do things, new things and throw myself out there and make myself uncomfortable and question my daily routine, but it’s a challenge. How can I remove myself from what I see and do every day and create a life of opportunity and change, I guess it’s about putting myself out there. About saying what’s really on my mind, instead of trying to please people all the time and never truly showing my opinions on anything, I have to rip off this cover off myself! I rarely share my true feelings on anything, when an absolute truth leaves my lips, it is actually hard for me to speak those words because as those words leave me, they are no longer owned by me, I have let it out into the world and now I am vulnerable.

Part of growing and changing and becoming stronger is being vulnerable, and boy is that ever hard for me! Well, so are so many other things, but as long as I recognize the problem I can try and deal with it! I feel like we can all be so much more then we are today, we are so busy day to day I don’t know if we get a chance to sit and think about what we are capable of and how we can achieve the things we desire. So we need to take chances and put ourselves out there, even if it means possible rejection or defeat. Also, please if you will be doing something exciting, scary or just plain weird let me know, I would love to try it!

Oh and I commend many of my friends who are doing awesome things, Justine taking up photography and making a website, Robyn using all of your talents and selling your crafts online, Andy taking your band to another level and not accepting anything less then what your dream of, Demarie for going to another country and just meeting new people and exploring! All of these things take courage and have the risk needed to take you to a new place in your life!

I helped a man today who needed me to close his wife's accounts, as she had died just last week. He gave me a little pile of her things to discard including her debit card and it just made me sad when I looked at it.

I see the signature on her card, this is her, her hand, her fingers and her life wrote this, the black ink, it seems so insignificant, but what I see on the back of this card is her. The way she swooped the top of her B, to the thick period after her middle initial, all the details and experiences of her life and to me it’s all boiled down to her signature on the back of her debit card . . . .and now I’m supposed to shred this, a piece of her life thrown to the garbage. I have to cut it across the strip first, and it pains me to do it, it’s like putting her deeper in the ground and then throwing away proof that she existed. I just cut it and put it in the bin for shredding. I just ended the only relationship I’ll ever have with this person, her signature on this debit card and me seeing it and thinking of her, not much of a relationship. For a moment though I’m struck by how precious every life is, and how important it is to cherish everyone, not just family and friends, but people you encounter on a day to day basis. It sounds so cliché, but it’s the truth. I’ve never met this person, but I feel like I’ve somehow missed out by only learning of her through her death.

For realz . . .?

What's the rush, really tell me the truth, why must you speed everywhere? Is it because you're in a life and death emergency situation, and you have to run that red light, make an illegal u-turn, cut me off and just drive like a pompous ass? Well because of your obvious emergency I understand, I empathize, I even hope for your sake you make it there on time. . . wait . .wait. . All that and I just witnessed you pulling in the the Jack in the Box drive thru. My god, it must be one of those gut wrenching, out of this world emergency hungers, and you just can't live, let alone take another breath without your J in the B taco shit.

Hold on, my life just changed, now I'm contemplating the world your live in and the world I live in and how they are connected to each other, and I cry a little inside knowing my path crossed with yours. At one time we may have even shared the same oxygen, what a shame. Then I remember, you're not the only one and at some point I'm that one too. Why can't we all just slow the f*** down, take a deep breath and enjoy the moment for the moment we are in. Try and live in the present tense, instead of risking our lives and others to make things move a little more quickly. Doesn't life flash by in the blink of an eye anyways, lets give it a rest and slow down, look around, smile and know where ever you are rushing to will still be there in five minutes from now, an hour from now, just because you are not there yet doesn't mean it disappeared and now cease to exist. So to wrap it up, my message today is . . . .you know stop and smell the roses . . . you assholes.

P.S. I am trying to use more curse words to liven up my writing, as i do not curse in my regular conversations, hope you enjoy it! hehe

sometimes what's real is not what is staring you in the face. The real beauty, the real prize is hidden under a blanket of mask and insecurities that we all try to cover. It is those very insecurities that make us interesting and usually stem from something very personal and touching, that is what is real. That is what last. There is true beauty out there, unconditional, wonderful people and there are so many and we see tons everyday, but we don't always know because we judge them, based on what they look like, what they are wearing, the way they talk, anything really. I see beauty in a lot of people myself, but I think if you are looking for it you will find it. . . . .sometimes it's really hard to find, haha and i have to tell myself there is something nice about this person or they wouldn't be on this earth!

making connections

Life is about making connections with people. You make a person feel special in a way they don’t get from others, they will always like you and value your friendship. At least that's what I have found personally. If you make someone feel respected and worthy of your time and you are genuinely interested in them they will be attracted to you and want to pursue your friendship further. They will gravitate towards you because they get something from you they crave. Each of us know we want to be special and we want to make something of ourselves, but who really supports us and who really takes time to believe in us and our dreams, for a lot of people it is only themselves. That is why having someone who looks at your freshly, without bias or judgment but sees you as your own opportunity for success is so important. I also think this doesn't come naturally to most people to treat others this way, I think for the most part we really are taught to be the center of our own universe. So it does take effort and it can feel strange or even fake when you are trying to make this change to be sincere and interested, but the end result is so worth it. When you know you've helped change someone's day, their outlook or just find a piece of themselves they had forgotten about it will be significant and you'll know it. I hope we all have a person like that in our lives and if you don’t and you need someone please come see me and I will tell you all the wonderful things about yourself you hopefully already know.

The concept of pride is very interesting to me, it seems important to have pride or to take pride in yourself, your family  . . . .however pride can be the one thing keeping a person from asking for help when they desperately need it. It can tear friendships and relationships apart.  I have found in my own time, I’ve made some bad decisions to try and keep my image up, not wanting anyone to know about things I have done and I feel that at that time if I wasn't worried about my pride and about what people would think of me, the outcome would have been very different. I do find myself regretting my actions, but i can now see I was in my own way. I find that having too much pride to take necessary action happens more then not.  Pride sets our sites on ourselves; it leaves no room for helping others and much room for selfishness. Pride can be a silent killer, it can make people feel superior, and better then others. When you get in a place where you believe that, bad decisions are very easy to make because you believe there is a price to be paid for your pride and it's worth fighting for. But the truth, or my truth is we should not have pride, it's easy to say but not to accomplish.  Without pride we are free to laugh at ourselves, ask questions and admit defeat. We can relate to others from all different walks of life better, never thinking what we are doing is better or on a higher level then someone else, because of that we are more open, better listeners . . .there is just so much that comes with not having a sense of superiority.