Life is demanding, emotionally draining and completely worth it! My day is filled with so much joy. There are little scrapes here and there, but overall very fulfilling and satisfying. Not to say I don’t strive for more then what I have, or am doing right now, but I’m just enjoying my moments and trying not to take anything for granted, not always thinking about the future or the past can be a very good thing! It gives me the opportunity to just be happy about right now.

I cried today, sitting in the bathroom stall all by myself, it was sad! Then I cleaned myself up, grabbed a Kleenex and headed by to my desk to help someone new at work. A quick moment of solace and grief, and my feelings today surprise even me.

I have these wonderful members at work that I always help and they always ask for me. They called me a part of their family and always tell me jokes and we just sit and chat whenever they come in. They are an older couple, and the husband (I cant use any names for privacy reasons) recently had a stroke, but recovered well and he even came in the day he was released from the hospital. I haven't seen them for about a month and a half.

Well today the wife came in, telling me she had bad news, I thought maybe her account went negative or something. I wasn't ready for the news, her husband died and realizing the last time I saw him, he seemed so healthy, such a jokester, gosh, never knowing I wouldn’t see his smile light up a room again. It’s all so sad, I’ve only known these people for like nine months and it took everything in my body not to start crying right there at my desk. I held it together for her sake, she seemed so ok, maybe she knew it was coming? Here she is perfectly calm, married to him for 51 years and here's me, known them for nine months trying not to break down at my desk. It was all I could do, just to rush her and let her know what needed to be done on the accounts to have his name removed.

As soon as she left I had to swiftly walk to the bathroom and give myself a moment. I'm not surprised he passed away, I’m not surprised she came in to tell me, however I am shocked at how upset I am. I know they are wonderful people who are very kind, but I only see them once every month or so, how can I feel so strongly about people I just met? This scares me so much, if I’m this affected by nice people who I’ve known less then a year, what'll happen to me when one of my family members, or a friend passes away? I might literally die of a broken heart.

Are we all just a bunch of cowards living our life at half of our potential, have we become comfortable with the life just barely reaching for the top? Do we only question our self when we see someone else succeed and wonder why we are not there ourselves? Are dreams and goals a thing of the past, to be thought of with a smile and a damning dose of reality, to only reappear once again at a time of deep thought or cathartic breakdown?

I don’t want that to be me, I don’t want it to be anyone; I don’t want to be scared of success. I want to do things, new things and throw myself out there and make myself uncomfortable and question my daily routine, but it’s a challenge. How can I remove myself from what I see and do every day and create a life of opportunity and change, I guess it’s about putting myself out there. About saying what’s really on my mind, instead of trying to please people all the time and never truly showing my opinions on anything, I have to rip off this cover off myself! I rarely share my true feelings on anything, when an absolute truth leaves my lips, it is actually hard for me to speak those words because as those words leave me, they are no longer owned by me, I have let it out into the world and now I am vulnerable.

Part of growing and changing and becoming stronger is being vulnerable, and boy is that ever hard for me! Well, so are so many other things, but as long as I recognize the problem I can try and deal with it! I feel like we can all be so much more then we are today, we are so busy day to day I don’t know if we get a chance to sit and think about what we are capable of and how we can achieve the things we desire. So we need to take chances and put ourselves out there, even if it means possible rejection or defeat. Also, please if you will be doing something exciting, scary or just plain weird let me know, I would love to try it!

Oh and I commend many of my friends who are doing awesome things, Justine taking up photography and making a website, Robyn using all of your talents and selling your crafts online, Andy taking your band to another level and not accepting anything less then what your dream of, Demarie for going to another country and just meeting new people and exploring! All of these things take courage and have the risk needed to take you to a new place in your life!