A Smile can mean so many things, pure joy, a funny joke, a clever secret or even unhappiness or despair.
My smile covered all aspects of my life, to a fault. Turns out it was a defense mechanism of mine, I really didn’t know. I would smile in the face of any situation, grin at heart break and pull up that corner lip even in cases of utter discord. I’d say everything is good and it’s all ok, a part of me believed if I said it, it would be true. For years no one saw through that smile, if they did they were not talking. I would always wish someone would see through that smile and cheery disposition of mine because I could not stop smiling to save my life. This also meant I was dealing with nothing in my life and wow I had issues to deal with, that a simple smile could not fix.
Even as I decided I needed help after some years of unsuccessful marriage, I smiled and even giggled while talking to the marriage counselor about terrible and painful things, she says to me “Amanda, why are you smiling?” Wow, what a great question, why am I smiling? Damn, I really didn’t know? Turns out I couldn’t talk about anything painful or sad without crying, or I just hadn’t tried in so many years I didn’t even know what to expect. As soon as that smile was forced off my face and I tried to utter something real or upsetting I would instantly cry, just cry and cry and not be able to talk through my tears. Turns out it was important for me not to smile through all my troubles.
I had to stare at someone and not smile and try and hold a conversation. It was very, very challenging work for me, I actually had to practice. So, I had to try to talk about everything without smiling, it was embarrassing, humiliating and horrible, because I would have such a tough time doing it, over time it became easier and even habit now . . . and in a way it’s now a big relief. It took me a long time to stop smiling.
My smile was so fake and so ingenuine and such a scary mask, that I couldn’t function without, it’s like at some point it melded to my face and literally had to be broken and torn off. What a strange thing I had going on. My smile even caused people to not take me seriously because no one thought I was ever being serious because I would try and have an important conversation but would smile the whole time . . . so no one knew if I was joking or not, which then caused me to feel disrespected because I thought no one was listening to me.
Now when I smile, I’m truly smiling, it’s genuine, happy and full of life. I don’t do a lot of courtesy smiles or fake ones and I may not smile nearly as much, or says things are ok or great every day, but I can say, even without a 24 hour smile plastered on my face, I am a happier person. Who is able to communicate and express things when they are good, bad or in between, with an appropriate look on my face!
Remember a smile can mean so many things, for me it was the opposite of happy, but a real, joyful , sincere smile is so incredible and beautiful, so please lets all share and if anything is driving you crazy or bugging you, please just for me, never cover it up with a smile or an “I’m ok” just say what’s going on so it can be dealt with!