A Smile can mean so many things, pure joy, a funny joke, a clever secret or even unhappiness or despair.
My smile covered all aspects of my life, to a fault. Turns out it was a defense mechanism of mine, I really didn’t know. I would smile in the face of any situation, grin at heart break and pull up that corner lip even in cases of utter discord. I’d say everything is good and it’s all ok, a part of me believed if I said it, it would be true. For years no one saw through that smile, if they did they were not talking. I would always wish someone would see through that smile and cheery disposition of mine because I could not stop smiling to save my life. This also meant I was dealing with nothing in my life and wow I had issues to deal with, that a simple smile could not fix.
Even as I decided I needed help after some years of unsuccessful marriage, I smiled and even giggled while talking to the marriage counselor about terrible and painful things, she says to me “Amanda, why are you smiling?” Wow, what a great question, why am I smiling? Damn, I really didn’t know? Turns out I couldn’t talk about anything painful or sad without crying, or I just hadn’t tried in so many years I didn’t even know what to expect. As soon as that smile was forced off my face and I tried to utter something real or upsetting I would instantly cry, just cry and cry and not be able to talk through my tears. Turns out it was important for me not to smile through all my troubles.
I had to stare at someone and not smile and try and hold a conversation. It was very, very challenging work for me, I actually had to practice. So, I had to try to talk about everything without smiling, it was embarrassing, humiliating and horrible, because I would have such a tough time doing it, over time it became easier and even habit now . . . and in a way it’s now a big relief. It took me a long time to stop smiling.
My smile was so fake and so ingenuine and such a scary mask, that I couldn’t function without, it’s like at some point it melded to my face and literally had to be broken and torn off. What a strange thing I had going on. My smile even caused people to not take me seriously because no one thought I was ever being serious because I would try and have an important conversation but would smile the whole time . . . so no one knew if I was joking or not, which then caused me to feel disrespected because I thought no one was listening to me.
Now when I smile, I’m truly smiling, it’s genuine, happy and full of life. I don’t do a lot of courtesy smiles or fake ones and I may not smile nearly as much, or says things are ok or great every day, but I can say, even without a 24 hour smile plastered on my face, I am a happier person. Who is able to communicate and express things when they are good, bad or in between, with an appropriate look on my face!
Remember a smile can mean so many things, for me it was the opposite of happy, but a real, joyful , sincere smile is so incredible and beautiful, so please lets all share and if anything is driving you crazy or bugging you, please just for me, never cover it up with a smile or an “I’m ok” just say what’s going on so it can be dealt with!

I have a lot to learn about life and not acting on assumptions and just being more patient and honest. Sometimes for me it’s easy to see things from only my perspective, I am quite empathetic because of my work, I have to be and I try to in my personal life as well, but I guess I don’t always try hard enough. I could use some more patience and understanding towards others in my life. I guess we all need that reminder every now and then. I have to remember to treat others with respect and always be tactful and not hold back when things are bothering me or else at some point one thing just brings me over the top and then i'm just done. This could be alleviated if I could just act more mature and deal with issues as they come up and not at some later date all at once. That is quite hard to, because dealing with issues as they come up means the possibility of rejection, hurt feelings, awkwardness, and more, but brushing things under the rug, is, as I’ve found in many past experiences even more terrible when things come to fruition. So, I guess a work in progress and a healthy reminder that the world does not revolve around me!

Living life like a dream, without focus, rhyme or reason, this has been my avenue or lack there of I should say. It’s been entertaining, laughable, intolerable at times, but always interesting that’s for sure. I read through my past writing (not posted) and am just struck, by my desperation and depression, I was just so sad and overcome; I could barely make it through a day. I thought if I cried even one more tear I was just going to die and I literally felt like not living would be best for me on certain days. That moment of waking up in the morning and for just a minute not realizing my reality and things felt fine, but then it would all come flooding back and I would remember “oh yeah this is my life now” that was the worst feeling. I was craving affection desperately, just wanting to feel close to someone, and have them gently touch my face or tell me nice things and I just didn’t have that, I just needed to be needed. On some level I eventually got that, it’s not the real affection I craved but it was a band-aid, that helped me and hurt me too.

I had to break through barriers of shallow, worthless relationships and friendships to find something meaningful and worthy. What I have found is so good and true. It’s like I’ve broken the glass, and finally taken the prize that was only to be looked at, but never touched, and I’ve touched it and it is mine. Now I’m ready to move on to real things, I don’t feel the endless need to be with someone, I’m not just dying because my phone isn’t ringing off the hook and I’m not getting a text everything ten minutes. I feel free from all of these things and its such a relief; it’s so different from how I felt before. I truly am feeling content to be by myself, of course I love seeing my friends and hanging out, but in a romantic sense I don’t need a partner in my life. I am happy right now, no requiem required for me anymore. I don’t have to keep holding onto something that isn’t there and never will be, and I just feel free from it, like I’ve been released out into the wild, and fending for myself never felt so good.

Past and present collide into right now, this moment, this breath, these eyes seeing directly across at my table. If I take my life in little moments, at this moment I am sitting here content, with my dog sleeping by my side, enjoying just being alive and seeing another second come to be. Although outside these walls of mine there are terrible things happening, unhappy people in unhappy circumstances, but for just right now in this one little minute passing by, I can forget that and just be, and not think about anything new or old just right now. My body feels good, nothing hurts, I am not hungry, I am not thirsty, I need for nothing and I crave nothing new. This is a simple yet grand moment, at least when I’ve sat here and appreciated it.

We have all the tools in us, we have strength if we can conjure it, we have our wit, we have friends and family to help us along the way. We can improve ourselves, no matter what mistakes we’ve made, even if we feel we can never pay back people we have hurt or mistakes can never be fixed. We must change ourselves and move forward, don’t be your past, be your future or you’ll never change and you’ll never get new results. A power each of us have over everything in our lives is our ability to smile and choose to be happy no matter what our circumstances are. We cry when we need to, we sulk when there is no other choice but we can’t do this everyday of our lives or we’ll never move on from where were at.

I’ve pretty much spent almost the last year of my life being a person I don’t enjoy that much, my choices don’t make me proud and I’m embarrassed to tell people about certain things I have done. I want to enjoy my memories and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking I don’t deserve to be happy, and thinking my life is over and I’ll never accomplish anything. I mean I’m 27, doing a short sale on my house, have no money, no prospects, no children, no relationship . . .ruined so many things. However, I’ve come to realize the only thing holding me back from living a fulfilling life is me. I am limited by myself and what I think my abilities are. Also, what society expects of a woman and tradition, I've felt roped into all that, guilted really.

I am understanding we all derseve a chance at happiness, no matter what we've done in our lives. No matter what mistakes, no matter if you've done things your ashamed of, you cannot live in that state. I don’t care what people say about me anymore, I’m over that, but I did feel confined by others and what they expect from me and what they perceive my intentions of being. Most of them don’t truly know me, but choose to make a judgment, that’s ok, people do that and I expect it. I just try not to let others perceptions or judgments affect my choices and how I feel and what I know I can do with my life.

I’ve wasted so much precious time, I think we all agree time is flying, faster then I’ve ever known. I refuse to spend more time doing nothing, a couple nights out with friends having drinks, relaxing; enjoying each other’s company is wonderful. However it’s easy for this life style to get out of hand and start to make this a hobby or consistent weekend plan, at least it is for me. I want memories that are meaningful, that I can remember the whole night, haha and that are genuine. I’ve been living a shallow, sad and ridiculous way because I thought I didn’t deserve better, I felt terrible about myself. I thought my life is over, I’ve ruined it and all my friends and relationships along the way, I am a loser and nothing will ever be right again. I am realizing that is completely wrong, my life is not over, it’s just started and I have all the opportunity and chances to do whatever I want, more freedom then I’ve ever had, and I just need to do the work and create new opportunities for myself.

I have all the tools within this little pea brain of mine, to be happy, to be pleased with my decisions and to choose to make everyday a good one and to not let myself make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past, or else history means nothing. I’m gonna lead myself into a new future that I love and instead of being fearful and terrified like I was before, I am excited and elated because this time it’s all going to be different and I deserve to be happy!

I have no words, nothing is flowing out so I’m just typing b/c well I like typing. Maybe something good will come out by accident, maybe not. The cats tail doesn’t work again, just dangling you know, like a dead snake hanging off a ledge a bit, it’s weird. A cat’s tail pretty much has a life of its own, but I never really notice it until it’s doing nothing at all, just hanging there, dragging on the ground. It’s slightly disturbing looking! I’m sure she doesn’t much like it either . . .hmm what to do, what to say. The dog is getting quite chubby, his roll around his neck is making a come back, soon I’ll be able to roll him around the house, that’ll be cool, maybe use him as a mop, then just pop him in the tub. I still need to do my goddamn laundry and I keep checking my phone for a text I’m never gonna get. My life in a nutshell, oh but there’s more the grass is not greener on the other side, just letting you all know. From afar it looks delightful, you might even take a moment and walk upon that bright green, delicate grass, even smell it oh, so fresh and nicely cut. . . but as soon as you give up your lawn and think your taking residence at this “other, better” grass you see it needs tending to, watering, weeding all the same shit you had to do for your grass, but guess what this grass doesn’t even know who the fuck you are and doesn’t like you messing with it. So you pull the weeds and more grow b/c your using your old weed killer for your grass that you tossed out. Well guess what this is an entirely different kind of weed that you don’t know how to get rid of. So you can keep it looking pretty for a little while and then it looks shittier then your old lawn, now your peeking across to see what your old shit looks like, hey maybe it wasn’t that bad and it just needed a little more tending to. Or maybe all lawns are too much work, buy a condo.

Life is not like a box of chocolates, a lot of the time you do know what you are going to get, you’re just a lazy crap who doesn’t plan and expects to win the lotto without playing. Guess what genius’s you have a better chance of getting struck by lightening twice, then winning, you know why I know that because that was my retirement plan, hahaha! So I read about it, a lot, guess what, not happening for me! So damn it all, I have to put money in my 401k, open an additional IRA account, put money in there and you know, work a lot, and all the regular mumbo jumbo. One thing I do know is pretty much how my next week, next month and well lets be honest next year will be, unless I die, I cant really anticipate that one unless I have a known illness then I can expect it, and if I just regular sudden die, I don’t care because I’m dead. Wait is this off topic, I think so.

Anyways, life is not just made up of a bunch of random chances or occurrences, sure there is a weird random convo that met you some awesome person that you now know, and who knows how that shit happened, but if it wasn’t that person, it would just would just be another. Chances are, if you are a hard worker, achiever and overall badass mofo who gets the job done, you’re going somewhere, if you’re a lazy sack who has no drive at all, well there ya go! So I think you do know what you’re going to get because you’re the one who made and shaped this thang you call your life! By the way, I shaped mine pretty crappy, haha, but I’ll get my once, achiever, then lazy bones, back to achiever, professional lady and known for her awesomeness back!