Living life like a dream, without focus, rhyme or reason, this has been my avenue or lack there of I should say. It’s been entertaining, laughable, intolerable at times, but always interesting that’s for sure. I read through my past writing (not posted) and am just struck, by my desperation and depression, I was just so sad and overcome; I could barely make it through a day. I thought if I cried even one more tear I was just going to die and I literally felt like not living would be best for me on certain days. That moment of waking up in the morning and for just a minute not realizing my reality and things felt fine, but then it would all come flooding back and I would remember “oh yeah this is my life now” that was the worst feeling. I was craving affection desperately, just wanting to feel close to someone, and have them gently touch my face or tell me nice things and I just didn’t have that, I just needed to be needed. On some level I eventually got that, it’s not the real affection I craved but it was a band-aid, that helped me and hurt me too.

I had to break through barriers of shallow, worthless relationships and friendships to find something meaningful and worthy. What I have found is so good and true. It’s like I’ve broken the glass, and finally taken the prize that was only to be looked at, but never touched, and I’ve touched it and it is mine. Now I’m ready to move on to real things, I don’t feel the endless need to be with someone, I’m not just dying because my phone isn’t ringing off the hook and I’m not getting a text everything ten minutes. I feel free from all of these things and its such a relief; it’s so different from how I felt before. I truly am feeling content to be by myself, of course I love seeing my friends and hanging out, but in a romantic sense I don’t need a partner in my life. I am happy right now, no requiem required for me anymore. I don’t have to keep holding onto something that isn’t there and never will be, and I just feel free from it, like I’ve been released out into the wild, and fending for myself never felt so good.