We have all the tools in us, we have strength if we can conjure it, we have our wit, we have friends and family to help us along the way. We can improve ourselves, no matter what mistakes we’ve made, even if we feel we can never pay back people we have hurt or mistakes can never be fixed. We must change ourselves and move forward, don’t be your past, be your future or you’ll never change and you’ll never get new results. A power each of us have over everything in our lives is our ability to smile and choose to be happy no matter what our circumstances are. We cry when we need to, we sulk when there is no other choice but we can’t do this everyday of our lives or we’ll never move on from where were at.

I’ve pretty much spent almost the last year of my life being a person I don’t enjoy that much, my choices don’t make me proud and I’m embarrassed to tell people about certain things I have done. I want to enjoy my memories and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking I don’t deserve to be happy, and thinking my life is over and I’ll never accomplish anything. I mean I’m 27, doing a short sale on my house, have no money, no prospects, no children, no relationship . . .ruined so many things. However, I’ve come to realize the only thing holding me back from living a fulfilling life is me. I am limited by myself and what I think my abilities are. Also, what society expects of a woman and tradition, I've felt roped into all that, guilted really.

I am understanding we all derseve a chance at happiness, no matter what we've done in our lives. No matter what mistakes, no matter if you've done things your ashamed of, you cannot live in that state. I don’t care what people say about me anymore, I’m over that, but I did feel confined by others and what they expect from me and what they perceive my intentions of being. Most of them don’t truly know me, but choose to make a judgment, that’s ok, people do that and I expect it. I just try not to let others perceptions or judgments affect my choices and how I feel and what I know I can do with my life.

I’ve wasted so much precious time, I think we all agree time is flying, faster then I’ve ever known. I refuse to spend more time doing nothing, a couple nights out with friends having drinks, relaxing; enjoying each other’s company is wonderful. However it’s easy for this life style to get out of hand and start to make this a hobby or consistent weekend plan, at least it is for me. I want memories that are meaningful, that I can remember the whole night, haha and that are genuine. I’ve been living a shallow, sad and ridiculous way because I thought I didn’t deserve better, I felt terrible about myself. I thought my life is over, I’ve ruined it and all my friends and relationships along the way, I am a loser and nothing will ever be right again. I am realizing that is completely wrong, my life is not over, it’s just started and I have all the opportunity and chances to do whatever I want, more freedom then I’ve ever had, and I just need to do the work and create new opportunities for myself.

I have all the tools within this little pea brain of mine, to be happy, to be pleased with my decisions and to choose to make everyday a good one and to not let myself make the same mistakes I’ve made in the past, or else history means nothing. I’m gonna lead myself into a new future that I love and instead of being fearful and terrified like I was before, I am excited and elated because this time it’s all going to be different and I deserve to be happy!

I have no words, nothing is flowing out so I’m just typing b/c well I like typing. Maybe something good will come out by accident, maybe not. The cats tail doesn’t work again, just dangling you know, like a dead snake hanging off a ledge a bit, it’s weird. A cat’s tail pretty much has a life of its own, but I never really notice it until it’s doing nothing at all, just hanging there, dragging on the ground. It’s slightly disturbing looking! I’m sure she doesn’t much like it either . . .hmm what to do, what to say. The dog is getting quite chubby, his roll around his neck is making a come back, soon I’ll be able to roll him around the house, that’ll be cool, maybe use him as a mop, then just pop him in the tub. I still need to do my goddamn laundry and I keep checking my phone for a text I’m never gonna get. My life in a nutshell, oh but there’s more the grass is not greener on the other side, just letting you all know. From afar it looks delightful, you might even take a moment and walk upon that bright green, delicate grass, even smell it oh, so fresh and nicely cut. . . but as soon as you give up your lawn and think your taking residence at this “other, better” grass you see it needs tending to, watering, weeding all the same shit you had to do for your grass, but guess what this grass doesn’t even know who the fuck you are and doesn’t like you messing with it. So you pull the weeds and more grow b/c your using your old weed killer for your grass that you tossed out. Well guess what this is an entirely different kind of weed that you don’t know how to get rid of. So you can keep it looking pretty for a little while and then it looks shittier then your old lawn, now your peeking across to see what your old shit looks like, hey maybe it wasn’t that bad and it just needed a little more tending to. Or maybe all lawns are too much work, buy a condo.

Life is not like a box of chocolates, a lot of the time you do know what you are going to get, you’re just a lazy crap who doesn’t plan and expects to win the lotto without playing. Guess what genius’s you have a better chance of getting struck by lightening twice, then winning, you know why I know that because that was my retirement plan, hahaha! So I read about it, a lot, guess what, not happening for me! So damn it all, I have to put money in my 401k, open an additional IRA account, put money in there and you know, work a lot, and all the regular mumbo jumbo. One thing I do know is pretty much how my next week, next month and well lets be honest next year will be, unless I die, I cant really anticipate that one unless I have a known illness then I can expect it, and if I just regular sudden die, I don’t care because I’m dead. Wait is this off topic, I think so.

Anyways, life is not just made up of a bunch of random chances or occurrences, sure there is a weird random convo that met you some awesome person that you now know, and who knows how that shit happened, but if it wasn’t that person, it would just would just be another. Chances are, if you are a hard worker, achiever and overall badass mofo who gets the job done, you’re going somewhere, if you’re a lazy sack who has no drive at all, well there ya go! So I think you do know what you’re going to get because you’re the one who made and shaped this thang you call your life! By the way, I shaped mine pretty crappy, haha, but I’ll get my once, achiever, then lazy bones, back to achiever, professional lady and known for her awesomeness back!

My heart is an enigma, beating fast and slow, cringing, crying, aching, dying, loving, lusting, forgiving, pumping, hurting, fleeing, and clinging. It’s constantly changing and forever confusing and at times fickle and deep. I feel it way me down, and cheer me up. I’m overcome with emotion. I try to control it and feel nothing and get through the days. So, I’ve been blind to the beauty surrounding me, looking straight ahead at nothing, and not knowing what I’m even seeing. Just trying to avoid emotion. I’m getting little flickers beating through my hard exterior, with each little hit, it tears more of my wall down and I’m reminded of how human and vulnerable we all are, it’s beautiful and true and honest. It’s hard to be that open, but worthy of my time, energy and pain.

I feel so overwhelmed at the moment, yet I’ll feel nothing in a day from now. It’s like I am a robot, that on occasion feels real, feels alive and remembers what it’s like to be genuine again. I sit around thinking I’m a nice person and I care for people, but you know what, when it gets down to it, I’m down right selfish and callous . . .more then I’d like to admit. Examining myself, my actions, my life and my goals is a constant struggle and so damn much work! I think it’s easy for me to get in that state of mind though, it’s easy to forget and just be self-absorbed. It’s only when I have a moment of helplessness or weakness I’m reminded I need other people and they need me too.

Simply living does not make me alive, it just dredges on doing the same things over and over, I believe we exist to be tested, tried and broken and eventually put back together again. So far, I think I’ve been broken quite a few times, put back together quite a few times as well, but not quite correctly, things are falling apart, leaking, and generally need a bit of construction to get this woman to her intended state. So a work in progress, but I guess that’s all of us.

I ponder this; is it possible we are a bunch of fucked up humans trying desperately to love each other and be loved, but we don’t know how to give it or receive it and so we struggle and make each other feel like assholes? I think YES! Aha! Or that could just be me! Or there really is a bunch of douche bags who don’t actually care about each other and how much they hurt people, which you know that’s true too, I just hope to never be that person. Life . . . .it’s messed up, but out of tragedy comes clarity and out of loss comes beauty, if I could just recognize it, that would be amazing!

I just cant imagine where I’ll be in a year, I’m scared, I’m afraid I’ll be alone, I’m afraid I’ll never look at someone with true love again and if I do, I’m even more terrified they’ll hurt me and I’ll be a fool. I guess atleast I’d know I was alive, my heart beating fast, full of blood, pumping keeping me alive, not just sustaining me. Now that’s nothing to look down on, but it is something to look forward to.

I’m consciously dropping the act . . . .dropping it all, being fake leads to nothing. . .except for challenges not worth fighting for, crying, not even worth the tears, shallow drawn out conversations about nothing and reality's bite is very clear and painful. This life means nothing at all, unless I have a real battle to fight, a heart to warm and love and respect for myself. This life should be an abundance of new, exciting, exhilarating, terrifying experiences, not just for me though. Those around me, those I love, and those I want to love. You know what else, sometimes we should all be a fool for someone else because they might be worth it, and maybe they are not, but at least we know we gave them a chance at knowing us, we went all in and didn’t hide behind ourselves. Which is what I’ve always done, most people really don’t know me at all, at no fault of their own, completely, and utterly my doing and not always intentional.

However, I am more real, and more myself today then any day in the last ten years of my life and I love that, and I’m so happy to change. I feel a freedom in my life I never remember feeling before. I’m not basing my actions on what others want anymore, you just get me, ha, and if that’s not enough for you, well I just dont care enough to dwell on it anymore.