My heart is an enigma, beating fast and slow, cringing, crying, aching, dying, loving, lusting, forgiving, pumping, hurting, fleeing, and clinging. It’s constantly changing and forever confusing and at times fickle and deep. I feel it way me down, and cheer me up. I’m overcome with emotion. I try to control it and feel nothing and get through the days. So, I’ve been blind to the beauty surrounding me, looking straight ahead at nothing, and not knowing what I’m even seeing. Just trying to avoid emotion. I’m getting little flickers beating through my hard exterior, with each little hit, it tears more of my wall down and I’m reminded of how human and vulnerable we all are, it’s beautiful and true and honest. It’s hard to be that open, but worthy of my time, energy and pain.

I feel so overwhelmed at the moment, yet I’ll feel nothing in a day from now. It’s like I am a robot, that on occasion feels real, feels alive and remembers what it’s like to be genuine again. I sit around thinking I’m a nice person and I care for people, but you know what, when it gets down to it, I’m down right selfish and callous . . .more then I’d like to admit. Examining myself, my actions, my life and my goals is a constant struggle and so damn much work! I think it’s easy for me to get in that state of mind though, it’s easy to forget and just be self-absorbed. It’s only when I have a moment of helplessness or weakness I’m reminded I need other people and they need me too.

Simply living does not make me alive, it just dredges on doing the same things over and over, I believe we exist to be tested, tried and broken and eventually put back together again. So far, I think I’ve been broken quite a few times, put back together quite a few times as well, but not quite correctly, things are falling apart, leaking, and generally need a bit of construction to get this woman to her intended state. So a work in progress, but I guess that’s all of us.

I ponder this; is it possible we are a bunch of fucked up humans trying desperately to love each other and be loved, but we don’t know how to give it or receive it and so we struggle and make each other feel like assholes? I think YES! Aha! Or that could just be me! Or there really is a bunch of douche bags who don’t actually care about each other and how much they hurt people, which you know that’s true too, I just hope to never be that person. Life . . . .it’s messed up, but out of tragedy comes clarity and out of loss comes beauty, if I could just recognize it, that would be amazing!

I just cant imagine where I’ll be in a year, I’m scared, I’m afraid I’ll be alone, I’m afraid I’ll never look at someone with true love again and if I do, I’m even more terrified they’ll hurt me and I’ll be a fool. I guess atleast I’d know I was alive, my heart beating fast, full of blood, pumping keeping me alive, not just sustaining me. Now that’s nothing to look down on, but it is something to look forward to.