I have no words, nothing is flowing out so I’m just typing b/c well I like typing. Maybe something good will come out by accident, maybe not. The cats tail doesn’t work again, just dangling you know, like a dead snake hanging off a ledge a bit, it’s weird. A cat’s tail pretty much has a life of its own, but I never really notice it until it’s doing nothing at all, just hanging there, dragging on the ground. It’s slightly disturbing looking! I’m sure she doesn’t much like it either . . .hmm what to do, what to say. The dog is getting quite chubby, his roll around his neck is making a come back, soon I’ll be able to roll him around the house, that’ll be cool, maybe use him as a mop, then just pop him in the tub. I still need to do my goddamn laundry and I keep checking my phone for a text I’m never gonna get. My life in a nutshell, oh but there’s more the grass is not greener on the other side, just letting you all know. From afar it looks delightful, you might even take a moment and walk upon that bright green, delicate grass, even smell it oh, so fresh and nicely cut. . . but as soon as you give up your lawn and think your taking residence at this “other, better” grass you see it needs tending to, watering, weeding all the same shit you had to do for your grass, but guess what this grass doesn’t even know who the fuck you are and doesn’t like you messing with it. So you pull the weeds and more grow b/c your using your old weed killer for your grass that you tossed out. Well guess what this is an entirely different kind of weed that you don’t know how to get rid of. So you can keep it looking pretty for a little while and then it looks shittier then your old lawn, now your peeking across to see what your old shit looks like, hey maybe it wasn’t that bad and it just needed a little more tending to. Or maybe all lawns are too much work, buy a condo.

Life is not like a box of chocolates, a lot of the time you do know what you are going to get, you’re just a lazy crap who doesn’t plan and expects to win the lotto without playing. Guess what genius’s you have a better chance of getting struck by lightening twice, then winning, you know why I know that because that was my retirement plan, hahaha! So I read about it, a lot, guess what, not happening for me! So damn it all, I have to put money in my 401k, open an additional IRA account, put money in there and you know, work a lot, and all the regular mumbo jumbo. One thing I do know is pretty much how my next week, next month and well lets be honest next year will be, unless I die, I cant really anticipate that one unless I have a known illness then I can expect it, and if I just regular sudden die, I don’t care because I’m dead. Wait is this off topic, I think so.

Anyways, life is not just made up of a bunch of random chances or occurrences, sure there is a weird random convo that met you some awesome person that you now know, and who knows how that shit happened, but if it wasn’t that person, it would just would just be another. Chances are, if you are a hard worker, achiever and overall badass mofo who gets the job done, you’re going somewhere, if you’re a lazy sack who has no drive at all, well there ya go! So I think you do know what you’re going to get because you’re the one who made and shaped this thang you call your life! By the way, I shaped mine pretty crappy, haha, but I’ll get my once, achiever, then lazy bones, back to achiever, professional lady and known for her awesomeness back!

My heart is an enigma, beating fast and slow, cringing, crying, aching, dying, loving, lusting, forgiving, pumping, hurting, fleeing, and clinging. It’s constantly changing and forever confusing and at times fickle and deep. I feel it way me down, and cheer me up. I’m overcome with emotion. I try to control it and feel nothing and get through the days. So, I’ve been blind to the beauty surrounding me, looking straight ahead at nothing, and not knowing what I’m even seeing. Just trying to avoid emotion. I’m getting little flickers beating through my hard exterior, with each little hit, it tears more of my wall down and I’m reminded of how human and vulnerable we all are, it’s beautiful and true and honest. It’s hard to be that open, but worthy of my time, energy and pain.

I feel so overwhelmed at the moment, yet I’ll feel nothing in a day from now. It’s like I am a robot, that on occasion feels real, feels alive and remembers what it’s like to be genuine again. I sit around thinking I’m a nice person and I care for people, but you know what, when it gets down to it, I’m down right selfish and callous . . .more then I’d like to admit. Examining myself, my actions, my life and my goals is a constant struggle and so damn much work! I think it’s easy for me to get in that state of mind though, it’s easy to forget and just be self-absorbed. It’s only when I have a moment of helplessness or weakness I’m reminded I need other people and they need me too.

Simply living does not make me alive, it just dredges on doing the same things over and over, I believe we exist to be tested, tried and broken and eventually put back together again. So far, I think I’ve been broken quite a few times, put back together quite a few times as well, but not quite correctly, things are falling apart, leaking, and generally need a bit of construction to get this woman to her intended state. So a work in progress, but I guess that’s all of us.

I ponder this; is it possible we are a bunch of fucked up humans trying desperately to love each other and be loved, but we don’t know how to give it or receive it and so we struggle and make each other feel like assholes? I think YES! Aha! Or that could just be me! Or there really is a bunch of douche bags who don’t actually care about each other and how much they hurt people, which you know that’s true too, I just hope to never be that person. Life . . . .it’s messed up, but out of tragedy comes clarity and out of loss comes beauty, if I could just recognize it, that would be amazing!

I just cant imagine where I’ll be in a year, I’m scared, I’m afraid I’ll be alone, I’m afraid I’ll never look at someone with true love again and if I do, I’m even more terrified they’ll hurt me and I’ll be a fool. I guess atleast I’d know I was alive, my heart beating fast, full of blood, pumping keeping me alive, not just sustaining me. Now that’s nothing to look down on, but it is something to look forward to.