A Smile can mean so many things, pure joy, a funny joke, a clever secret or even unhappiness or despair.
My smile covered all aspects of my life, to a fault. Turns out it was a defense mechanism of mine, I really didn’t know. I would smile in the face of any situation, grin at heart break and pull up that corner lip even in cases of utter discord. I’d say everything is good and it’s all ok, a part of me believed if I said it, it would be true. For years no one saw through that smile, if they did they were not talking. I would always wish someone would see through that smile and cheery disposition of mine because I could not stop smiling to save my life. This also meant I was dealing with nothing in my life and wow I had issues to deal with, that a simple smile could not fix.
Even as I decided I needed help after some years of unsuccessful marriage, I smiled and even giggled while talking to the marriage counselor about terrible and painful things, she says to me “Amanda, why are you smiling?” Wow, what a great question, why am I smiling? Damn, I really didn’t know? Turns out I couldn’t talk about anything painful or sad without crying, or I just hadn’t tried in so many years I didn’t even know what to expect. As soon as that smile was forced off my face and I tried to utter something real or upsetting I would instantly cry, just cry and cry and not be able to talk through my tears. Turns out it was important for me not to smile through all my troubles.
I had to stare at someone and not smile and try and hold a conversation. It was very, very challenging work for me, I actually had to practice. So, I had to try to talk about everything without smiling, it was embarrassing, humiliating and horrible, because I would have such a tough time doing it, over time it became easier and even habit now . . . and in a way it’s now a big relief. It took me a long time to stop smiling.
My smile was so fake and so ingenuine and such a scary mask, that I couldn’t function without, it’s like at some point it melded to my face and literally had to be broken and torn off. What a strange thing I had going on. My smile even caused people to not take me seriously because no one thought I was ever being serious because I would try and have an important conversation but would smile the whole time . . . so no one knew if I was joking or not, which then caused me to feel disrespected because I thought no one was listening to me.
Now when I smile, I’m truly smiling, it’s genuine, happy and full of life. I don’t do a lot of courtesy smiles or fake ones and I may not smile nearly as much, or says things are ok or great every day, but I can say, even without a 24 hour smile plastered on my face, I am a happier person. Who is able to communicate and express things when they are good, bad or in between, with an appropriate look on my face!
Remember a smile can mean so many things, for me it was the opposite of happy, but a real, joyful , sincere smile is so incredible and beautiful, so please lets all share and if anything is driving you crazy or bugging you, please just for me, never cover it up with a smile or an “I’m ok” just say what’s going on so it can be dealt with!

I have a lot to learn about life and not acting on assumptions and just being more patient and honest. Sometimes for me it’s easy to see things from only my perspective, I am quite empathetic because of my work, I have to be and I try to in my personal life as well, but I guess I don’t always try hard enough. I could use some more patience and understanding towards others in my life. I guess we all need that reminder every now and then. I have to remember to treat others with respect and always be tactful and not hold back when things are bothering me or else at some point one thing just brings me over the top and then i'm just done. This could be alleviated if I could just act more mature and deal with issues as they come up and not at some later date all at once. That is quite hard to, because dealing with issues as they come up means the possibility of rejection, hurt feelings, awkwardness, and more, but brushing things under the rug, is, as I’ve found in many past experiences even more terrible when things come to fruition. So, I guess a work in progress and a healthy reminder that the world does not revolve around me!

Living life like a dream, without focus, rhyme or reason, this has been my avenue or lack there of I should say. It’s been entertaining, laughable, intolerable at times, but always interesting that’s for sure. I read through my past writing (not posted) and am just struck, by my desperation and depression, I was just so sad and overcome; I could barely make it through a day. I thought if I cried even one more tear I was just going to die and I literally felt like not living would be best for me on certain days. That moment of waking up in the morning and for just a minute not realizing my reality and things felt fine, but then it would all come flooding back and I would remember “oh yeah this is my life now” that was the worst feeling. I was craving affection desperately, just wanting to feel close to someone, and have them gently touch my face or tell me nice things and I just didn’t have that, I just needed to be needed. On some level I eventually got that, it’s not the real affection I craved but it was a band-aid, that helped me and hurt me too.

I had to break through barriers of shallow, worthless relationships and friendships to find something meaningful and worthy. What I have found is so good and true. It’s like I’ve broken the glass, and finally taken the prize that was only to be looked at, but never touched, and I’ve touched it and it is mine. Now I’m ready to move on to real things, I don’t feel the endless need to be with someone, I’m not just dying because my phone isn’t ringing off the hook and I’m not getting a text everything ten minutes. I feel free from all of these things and its such a relief; it’s so different from how I felt before. I truly am feeling content to be by myself, of course I love seeing my friends and hanging out, but in a romantic sense I don’t need a partner in my life. I am happy right now, no requiem required for me anymore. I don’t have to keep holding onto something that isn’t there and never will be, and I just feel free from it, like I’ve been released out into the wild, and fending for myself never felt so good.

Past and present collide into right now, this moment, this breath, these eyes seeing directly across at my table. If I take my life in little moments, at this moment I am sitting here content, with my dog sleeping by my side, enjoying just being alive and seeing another second come to be. Although outside these walls of mine there are terrible things happening, unhappy people in unhappy circumstances, but for just right now in this one little minute passing by, I can forget that and just be, and not think about anything new or old just right now. My body feels good, nothing hurts, I am not hungry, I am not thirsty, I need for nothing and I crave nothing new. This is a simple yet grand moment, at least when I’ve sat here and appreciated it.