I have a lot to learn about life and not acting on assumptions and just being more patient and honest. Sometimes for me it’s easy to see things from only my perspective, I am quite empathetic because of my work, I have to be and I try to in my personal life as well, but I guess I don’t always try hard enough. I could use some more patience and understanding towards others in my life. I guess we all need that reminder every now and then. I have to remember to treat others with respect and always be tactful and not hold back when things are bothering me or else at some point one thing just brings me over the top and then i'm just done. This could be alleviated if I could just act more mature and deal with issues as they come up and not at some later date all at once. That is quite hard to, because dealing with issues as they come up means the possibility of rejection, hurt feelings, awkwardness, and more, but brushing things under the rug, is, as I’ve found in many past experiences even more terrible when things come to fruition. So, I guess a work in progress and a healthy reminder that the world does not revolve around me!

Living life like a dream, without focus, rhyme or reason, this has been my avenue or lack there of I should say. It’s been entertaining, laughable, intolerable at times, but always interesting that’s for sure. I read through my past writing (not posted) and am just struck, by my desperation and depression, I was just so sad and overcome; I could barely make it through a day. I thought if I cried even one more tear I was just going to die and I literally felt like not living would be best for me on certain days. That moment of waking up in the morning and for just a minute not realizing my reality and things felt fine, but then it would all come flooding back and I would remember “oh yeah this is my life now” that was the worst feeling. I was craving affection desperately, just wanting to feel close to someone, and have them gently touch my face or tell me nice things and I just didn’t have that, I just needed to be needed. On some level I eventually got that, it’s not the real affection I craved but it was a band-aid, that helped me and hurt me too.

I had to break through barriers of shallow, worthless relationships and friendships to find something meaningful and worthy. What I have found is so good and true. It’s like I’ve broken the glass, and finally taken the prize that was only to be looked at, but never touched, and I’ve touched it and it is mine. Now I’m ready to move on to real things, I don’t feel the endless need to be with someone, I’m not just dying because my phone isn’t ringing off the hook and I’m not getting a text everything ten minutes. I feel free from all of these things and its such a relief; it’s so different from how I felt before. I truly am feeling content to be by myself, of course I love seeing my friends and hanging out, but in a romantic sense I don’t need a partner in my life. I am happy right now, no requiem required for me anymore. I don’t have to keep holding onto something that isn’t there and never will be, and I just feel free from it, like I’ve been released out into the wild, and fending for myself never felt so good.

Past and present collide into right now, this moment, this breath, these eyes seeing directly across at my table. If I take my life in little moments, at this moment I am sitting here content, with my dog sleeping by my side, enjoying just being alive and seeing another second come to be. Although outside these walls of mine there are terrible things happening, unhappy people in unhappy circumstances, but for just right now in this one little minute passing by, I can forget that and just be, and not think about anything new or old just right now. My body feels good, nothing hurts, I am not hungry, I am not thirsty, I need for nothing and I crave nothing new. This is a simple yet grand moment, at least when I’ve sat here and appreciated it.